Greetings. I am robo-cybon-borg….head. I will electrocute you. Actually, no, you know, Hallowe’en– not my thing. It’s kind of depressing really. Grown adults dressing up like little children. Kids are supposed to dress up as things they’re not, because they’re not those things yet. But come on, if you’re over 25, why are you still playing pretend? Instead of dressing up as a doctor, why don’t you actually go to med school? Then you could wear doctor clothes all the time. Don’t dress up like a garbageman, go to garbage school. Don’t dress up as a dracula, just be a weird goth. You know who I want to be? I want to be this guy. [holds up picture of high school self] I am this guy. Well, was- it’s me at 14. So technically, I already was who I wanted to be back then. And I still want to be that. So young and full of potential. I can only wish to be that fresh again.
But there’s no point in wishing. You know what a wish is? A wish is a fart your brain makes. It’s pointless, and it stinks…of failure. And you can do it all you want, but it won’t get you anywhere. You’ve got to get up and do something. Be inspired. “To Infinity and Beyond!”- Martin Luther King Jr. Brave guy. He didn’t wish for anything. He wasn’t a dreamer. He went out into the world and he did things. He found his calling: to be really good at speeches. Kind of like me, but he was probably a little better at it. I dunno! Are you motivated yet? No?
Well, maybe that’s on you! Maybe you’re just born to be unmotivated. That’s your calling. A lot of people say “you have a choice to be who you are”, but let me ask you- do you think army guys signed up to serve and protect? Do you think they chose that life? No, they didn’t. They were chosen by destiny. Born heroes. I didn’t get the soldier hero guts. I got the cool dude guts. You know, that natural essence. I’ve got a good head on my shoulders… my shoulders are could use a little work though. They’re average. But let’s not dwell on that. Let’s just dwell on all my good qualities: I’m a class act. A real grade-A egg. A gentleman and a scholar. Oh, well, not a scholar cuz I dropped out of school. But all in all I’m a good man! I think I got a got a great total package deal here. I see it. Dunno why women haven’t picked up on it yet. [sigh] Life’s little miracles.
You know when it comes to women, I’m not really a picky guy. Looks don’t even matter. I’m not shallow. You could be a redhead, or a blondehead, or a brownhead. Any colour in the rainbow is fine by me. As long as you’ve got a nice face, the rest is meaningless. I am truly a modern man. So open-minded.
But you know what I totally dig: girls with big………..vocabularies. Ladies, it’s all about the syllables. The more the better. If you wanna impress me, work words like ‘efficient’, or “grandmother” into a conversation and I will fall for you like the world fell for Alex Jones’ news stories. Did you know he made most of that stuff up? I had no idea.