Writing Prompt: Sci-fi Movie Final Battle Parody

Premise: A tactical military group gather together before a final battle against the boss bad guy.

Commander Braveman: Troops! Is everyone ready for our epic final battle!?

All: SIR YES SIR.

Commander Braveman: Wow. Really? Was not expecting that. To be honest I’m not looking forward to this at all. Nerdlinger, what’s the ETA of our enemy?

Nerdlinger: Fifteen minutes until Hitler Jr. and Robo Bin Laden are in the perimeter, sir!

Commander Braveman: How many troops do they have?

Nerdlinger: Six hundred and sixty six.

Commander Braveman: That’s…that’s a lot of troops. Ok can you call them and say that we need to reschedule to later this afternoon? Tell them we have to go over some stuff first.

Nerdlinger: I will relay that message immediately, sir.

Commander Braveman: And quit talking like a nerd, Nerdlinger. This isn’t Camp Shakespeare. Alright, I think we need to refresh our memories of the game plan. Erica, can you bring the official military training video up on the master display?

Erica: You mean the Youtube clip of the final battle from Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King?

Commander Braveman: The Academy Award winning Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Have some respect Erica. And get it on screen, stat.

Erica: I got an error message, sir. It says “This video has been removed due to copyright infringement.”

Commander Braveman: Grrrr! Hitler Jr. must have done this. Alright, I guess I’ll just have to do a regular old fashioned pep talk then. Where’s my second-in-command?

Charlie: Here!

Commander Braveman: You know what you have to do. Valiantly protect me and get in the way of any weapons or projectiles heading towards me.

Charlie: Sir that might be hard, I have no arms or legs from protecting you in all the other battles.

Commander Braveman: I have faith in you Stump- I mean, Charlie- and when you are inevitably struck down near the end of the battle I will definitely fall to my knees and yell.

Charlie: Thank you sir.

Commander Braveman: Erica, the tension between us during this war has been nothing short of incredibly frustrating. Especially since you are the only woman on this whole squadron. I expect a full on make-out session after this battle is over, ok?

Erica: Sir you know I’m married.

Commander Braveman: Dylan will probably mowed down within the first five minutes so don’t even worry about that.

Dylan: Sir I’m standing right here.

Commander Braveman: Oh, hi Dylan. Try to take down as many enemy troops as you can. Good luck! Now where’s Chris?

Chris: Here!

Commander Braveman: Chris you will probably betray us about halfway through the battle so, thanks in advance for that. NOT.

Chris: Why would you say that sir?

Commander Braveman: Your browser history includes a Google search for “how to betray your friends”. Also you are really sweaty and nervous.

Chris: I swear I won’t sir.

Commander Braveman: You’re damn right you won’t. We’re locking you in a storage closet before we go. We’ll leave a couple fruit roll ups in there with you. Everyone else, get ready to take these guys down! I believe in every one of you! Even this guy who I’ve never seen before in my life.

Mike: My name’s-

Commander Braveman: Your name doesn’t matter, son. Ok everybody, let’s get to our positions. If anyone needs to use the bathroom do it now.

Nerdlinger: Sir, I contacted the enemy, they said three o clock is fine.

Commander Braveman: Ok good, we are aiming for a three o clock fight everyone. Let’s say three hours to smash it out, we’ll be back in time to catch the game. Everybody got that??

All: SIR YES SIR.

Commander Braveman: Ok let’s…..hold up, where’s my hat?

Erica: Your what?

Commander Braveman: My really cool hat. I just put it down a few minutes ago. I can’t go into battle without it. Nerdlinger, reschedule again. Everyone else, help me find my hat.