Writing Prompt: Big Bob’s Big Garage

Premise: Car advice from someone who doesn’t know anything about cars.

Hey, this is Big Bob and this is my garage! Come on in! [pause] Hold up!

[aside]…did you sign the safety waiver? Yeah? Alright awesome come on in!

 

OK today we’re going to be looking at the hottest ride of 2017. It’s the 2011 Mazda 3. Let’s answer some common questions about it.

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One question I get a lot is why won’t the m*****f****r open. No matter how hard you pull the door  handle, it just doesn’t budge. Some people haven’t been able to open their cars at all and had to return them to the dealership. Boo. [thumbs down]

Now, first what you wanna do is make sure it’s your car.

Secondly, some cars come with a small device [holds up key fob], and if you press this button, it should open the door and solve your problem.

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Another question a lot of people ask me is what are those weird letters inside the car next to the lever. Well, those tell you what kind of place you can drive on. Let’s run them down for you.

P is for driving on pavement.
R is for driving on roads.
N is for driving in nature, like in the forest on the leaves and s**t.
M-D means you can drive in the mud and the dirt. Like in the commercials when they just decide to go off the road onto giant boulders for fun.

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A lot of people ask me what drives a car forward.

Ok, let’s pop the hood and see what we’re working with. [opens up hood]

Wooooooow! I have no idea what any of this s**t is.

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Another common Mazda 3 issue is when this happens.

[telephone pole topples onto car]

In this case buy a new car.

Rock on!