Writing Prompt: Unengagement Party

Premise: Jake thinks his buddies are throwing him a party to congratulate him before getting engaged. It turns out each of them has a personal reason they don’t want him getting married.


Mike: OK guys, Jake’s gonna be up here any time now. Do we have everything?
Jarrod: We will never have everything. As humans we are never satisfied.
Mike: Alright Jarrod but seriously do we have everything?
Rob: Chips, dip, beer, I think we’re good.
Chet: yo bra we’re sooo good man.
Mike: Cool. Thanks for covering the bill guys, I’ll pay you back I promise.
[knock at the door. Mike walks over and opens it]
Jake: Hey guys
Mike: Alright, J-dawg!
Rob: Heyyyyy
Chet: WUT WUT
Jarrod: Greetings Jacob.
Mike: Sit down Jake, right over there.
Jake: What’s going on? This is just some quality bro time, right?
Rob: Jake, this is about Evangeline.
Jake: Is this like a pre-engagement celebration thing? Cool, cool. Thanks guys!
Mike: Actually this is a “Ring-tervention”.
Jake: A what?
Jarrod: It is a portmanteau. A combination of the English words “ring” and “intervention”, put together to-
Jake: Yeah I know that, but what’s this all about?
Rob: Jake, we’ve noticed you’re a little too close with Evangeline.
Jake: Well yeah…I’m kind of planning to marry her?
Mike: You’re also planning to drop $5000 on her ring!
Chet: that’s MAAAD MONEY man! it’s like two weeks of my allowance.
Jake: So I might have to take out a loan. I love her and I think she’s worth that much.
Mike: Yeah but come on, you love us too and you’re not buying us rings. Or paying our rent, which would really be appreciated cuz I am this close to getting evicted.
Rob: It’s true Jake. You say you love us but you spend all your time with her. That’s not healthy. You eat with Evangeline. You watch movies with Evangeline. You sleep with Evangeline.
Chet: yo dude, think of how many doritos you could buy with that money.
Jarrod: Marriage is an archaic construct with a foundation of greed and materialism. It will dissolve within a few years.
Jake: You guys, come on! We’ll always be bros. Remember the cottage?
Mike: Yeah, we do remember the cottage. The cottage we don’t go to anymore. You know you could at least let me crash there for the summer. Maybe lend me your family boat.
Rob: We haven’t been up to that cottage for years, Jake. I clearly remember the last time. It was 2009, the nights were long and clear. The lake was a mirror of the stars, we were sitting by the campfire….
Chet: that’s the year i got acorn poisoning! ah, memories….
Jarrod: That cottage will be one of the many things you will lose, Jacob. Then your car, your apartment, your dignity. You will have ownership of nothing. You will be a broken shell of a man.
Jake: Geez you guys are starting to sound like you don’t want me to get married! I thought I had supportive friends.
Mike: I thought I had a supportive friend too. But I couldn’t even get some start-up money for my business venture.
Jake: It was 45 grand!
Mike: Dude it was a great idea and I told you once Eat Your Birthday Candles took off I’d split the profits with you.
Rob: Jake, you used to be a lot more supportive. In my toughest times you were always there, I could feel your strong arms holding me up and keeping me warm. But not anymore.
Chet: man you know what would be awesome would be a boat but it can go on lava.
Jarrod: You’ve latched yourself onto this woman and your primitive emotions have made you a spineless, helpless servant.
Jake: Guys, I don’t know what to say. I love Evangeline and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. If you can’t accept that then maybe we can’t be buds anymore.
Mike: Well then yeah I guess bye.
[Mike leaves, then comes back]
Mike: I’m taking your printer by the way.
Rob: Good bye Jake. I will miss your firm physique.
[Rob leaves]
Jarrod: I’ve never really liked you anyway. I hope everything you hold dear falls apart.
[Jarrod leaves]
[Jake looks at Chet]
Chet: duuuuude. i gotta give you some advice. nacho cheese and ketchup together are the BOMB. yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa boi!