Writing Prompt: Cash Man Ad Parody

Premise: A local gold and jewellery exchange shop has a very persuasive owner.

Hi I’m Oliver the Jewellery Buyer and I want to let you know that I’ve gone absolutely crazy! No really, I went to the doctor and he said I am clinically insane! I asked him “why doctor?” and he said nooobody gives away that much money for used gold and jewellery unless they’re a little nuts! But I told him no, I’m not insane, I just want the best deals for my customers! He was skeptical though and made me take an MRI scan to see if there were any abnormalities in my brain patterns. I’ll be getting the results back in a week, which is a long time! Much longer than my customers have to wait for their instant cash!

As soon as they step through the door I’ve got fistfuls of dollars ready to throw at them. It’s too bad we have dollar coins here in Canada- they can leave bruises sometimes. But a few bruises don’t hurt when you see the money you’re getting for your used gold and jewellery! It took the sting right out of Mrs. Taylor’s welts. So bring me everything you have and I’ll take it. Take it from your spouse, your parents, your children. What do kids need jewellery for anyway! Your daughter looks terrible in those earrings, give them to me! I’ll look much better in them.

Oh, what are you saying? You know a place that gives better deals? That’s ridiculous! Show me a store that gives you more money for your used gold and jewellery and I’ll show you a building engulfed in flames. And if you ever tell me that you’re going anywhere else- I’ll burn your house down too! But it won’t get to that point because I know your only destination for used gold and jewellery exchange is my store.

So come down, I won’t bite! I take my pills every morning to prevent that from ever happening again.