Football: A Primer for Beginners

Last year I created a brief guide in order to help non-football fans understand the big game, but it lacked the in-depth analysis the event deserves. This year I’ve expanded upon many of the crucial points you need to “get” Super Ball X-LIX.

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The Teams
This year’s teams include the New England Patriarchs and the Wichita Witches.

patriarch

The New England Patriarchs are coming off a ten-year winning streak and have on their team superstars such as Tom Brady, Eli Manning, Brayden Manning, Phil Manning, the praying man, M’ant’i T’eo, Joe Namath, and Jose Canseco. They are the “favorites” to win this year.

witches

The opposition, the Wichita Witches, are in fact the NFL’s very first all-evil team. Finally society has progressed enough that we can accept an entirely evil team (although some players do identify as half-evil).

The Ball

ball
The object they play with is called a football, or in their terms, a “pigskin“. This is an abbreviation of “pig’s kin”, as the ball in fact IS a pig’s kin- it is a pig egg which has not been fertilized and therefore will not hatch. The unique hard texture prevents it from breaking and leaking yolk.

The footballs have recently been in the news.

The Antennae

antenna

On each end of the field there is a large, strange looking antenna. These are television antennae that are positioned this way to serve each coast. This way audiences on both the east and west coast of the continent get the best reception of the big game.

The Gatorade

gatorade
You may notice that during the game the players pour Gatorade on each other from big tanks. This provides a double purpose:

First, it hydrates the players. The team has undergone rigorous physiological training that has enabled their skin to become extra porous and absorb liquid through it. This way the Gatorade gets through the skin cells and into their system.

Physiological scan of a football player.

Physiological scan of a football player.

Secondly, the excess Gatorade that remains after the skin has become supersaturated creates a membrane which makes the players more slippery and harder to tackle/pin down. Talk about getting out of a tight squeeze!

The Language of Football

hut

One of the football players favourite things to say on the pitch is “hut“. You can hear them say it all the time. This is short for an Old English term, “huttence“, which means “we will conquer”. It is said to strike fear and intimidation into the hearts of the opposing team.

The Coaches

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You might notice that every coach looks like Academy Award winning actor Ed Harris. They are actually all related! Ed was the only male member of the Harris clan who did not go into football coaching, the rest of the bloodline have all hit the field to get that football gold. Inspiring.

The Formulas

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Many people will tell you that football is very simply but that is not true. Each team hires a Nobel Prize winning mathematician and physicist to assist with the logistics of the game. These brainiacs calculate the weather conditions, wind speed, dynamics, and muscle mass and then tell the players their findings.

A football player's brain works at 600 yards per second.

A football player’s brain works at 600 yards per second.

Each player then is mentally armed with formulas that they must apply to their throws, passes, tackles and other actions in split second decisions. Wow.

The Announcer

madden

Not much is known about the current announcer of the game, only that he got his start in the Nintendo 64 game “Madden 64”. He impressed the executives so much that they brought him on to voice every game since the late 90’s. He is beloved by fans all across the nation, who have given him the nickname “Madden Guy”. His most popular catchphrase? We all know it: “He shoots he scores!” Unforgettable.

The Camaraderie

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If there is one thing that you take away from this report, it’s this: football brings people together– literally! At the end of the match both teams jump into a big pile in celebration, despite the mud and sweat they may be covered in. It is a joy to watch, and it’s the reason that football is known as “the Lover’s Game” across the continent.

Conclusion

So as you watch Super Ball X-LIX, do not watch it in fear any longer. You know your stuff, champ. Good Grief!