Premise: More commentary from everyone’s favorite oblivious goof.
I’ve been called a reckless driver, which totally makes a lot of sense because I haven’t wrecked anything. There was that wedding display I just barely skimmed with the side of my car but what was it doing out in the middle of a vineyard in the first place! Get married inside, hipsters.
But now I’ve learned that apparently “reckless” is a bad thing? Which makes no sense, it should be “reckful”! English, the most mysterious of languages.
But alright, let’s say that I am slightly inexperienced at driving. Doesn’t mean I’m not a pro at everything else. If you took a brain surgeon, and told him to draw the Mona Lisa, and he couldn’t do it, would that make him stupid? Take away his genius cred? No. I mean you’d probably laugh at him a little, give him a wedgie, but you’d probably still respect him and go to him when you need your brain fixed.
So please do not think any less of me just because I occasionally swerve onto the opposite side of the street. You’ve seen the movies, Vin Diesel does it too. Besides I’ve already been yelled at by the driving test people enough so I don’t need your gripes as well. Man are those people tough. You’d think after eight failed tests they’d just take some pity on me and hand me a license.
You know what they say though- live and learn. Failure helps you grow. Now I know, it feels like a slap in the face. Also like a kick in the groin. Maybe a little of both? That sounds about right. Failure is like a slap to the groin. Yes it’s a little humiliating, a little painful, but at the same time, kind of turns you on? Makes you want success even more.
Am I making any sense? My point might be a little muddled, I’m so hangovered right now. Last night, I drank all of the alcohol. The beer, and the wine, and the champagne, and the gin, and the rye, and the 12 grain, all of it. Everybody was like “You are suuuuch a hammer! and a waste too.” And I was like, barfing on all their things and they were clapping and happy. Just a typical night with my youth friends. Extremely tired now though, and I don’t know how to give myself a zap.
Tried coffee. Tried Red Bull. Tried Red Bull in my coffee. Tried Red Bull in my Cheerios, which tasted grrrrrrrrreat! (a little Tony the Tiger impression for you there). But that didn’t help either. So I tried one of those screaming internet pictures. But after the terrifying initial few seconds I’d just cry myself to sleep. So, I’m gonna go back to coffee. Everyone’s favorite brain juice. I wish I’d had it when I was a kid, would have helped me in my studies.
You know it’s true that a lot of people fail grade school but in my case I can actually say that my grade school failed me by not teaching me how to read. Which lead to me failing grade school. Principal Johnson was a real son of a B-I-C-H.
But hey, Adam Sandler failed grade school but he got to do it all over when he was grown up, and look at him now. Academy Award winning actor. So there’s hope for me yet.
