Luckily the bear trap chest pain moments only come a few times a year and go away after a week or so. The rest of the time it’s this weird sinking feeling that is kind of like if my heart had a stomachache. I think my body is just literally stuck in “sad” mode. Like, even when I’m “meh”, it still feels heavy. And for some weird reason every time I take a deep breath it’s serrated and sputtering. Like, normally when you inhale it’s like “breeeeeeeeeeeath”, but mine are always like “bre-ea-ea-eath”, like someone would do after they cry.

And maaaaan my body does not even know what to do when I’m feeling legitimately happy. Fortunately that’s not often because I think it overloads my system and then I get major chest pains. I’m talking like actual joy here, which is so rare for me that I take a mental snapshot every time I do actually feel it. Last time was May 28th, 2013. I was in Toronto’s Union Station about to board a train to the Molson Canadian Amphitheatre. It was about 3:30 pm and I was listening to Daft Punk’s “Doin’ It Right” and I just suddenly felt actually happy and it was real weird. My body was just like “wtf is happening!!”. The reason was because I had recently been texting a girl I had had a crush on for a year and a bit and it really seemed as though she liked me and we even had a plan to meet up the following week and everything. And the thought that finally someone was reciprocating my feelings was too much to handle and I had to sit down.

Anyway, obviously I was wrong and she turned me down later, because what was she gonna do, NOT turn me down?

But that moment was kinda cool and I’m a little jealous of people who regularly feel happy. I think I’m averaging once every two years for the past decade and bit.

ok bye.