The Geek

There is perhaps no internet user more detestable than the geek.

There is no subset so aggressively uncool, so unrelentingly irritating, as the individuals who clamour for Reddit upvotes both on and offline, who are fluent in sarcasm, whose brains have been irradiated by the pop culture sci-fi they were raised on.

There is no internet user more detestable than the geek.

With the internet’s communities as porous as they are, it’s difficult to pinpoint what a true, real geek is. Many of the interests and qualities that they’ve subsumed have also been adopted into mainstream society. Basics (the general public) are prone to using the same expressions and consuming the same media as geeks, and the two camps in fact do share many of the same members. You might not be a geek if you use Reddit, but all geeks use Reddit.

Geeks, if you will, are basics who max out the permissible level of quirkiness allowed by the general population. Their brand is an inauthentic weirdness fuelled by a slavish devotion to brands. They like a lot of the same things that most people do, but they like it a lot more.

Essentially, a real geek is a fake geek. These people are not innovators or critical thinkers or creators or even early adopters. They are just really big fans of Marvel, Nintendo, Pixar and Apple.

They’re far too embarrassing to be taken seriously by the acolytes of the House of Chapo, and they’ve been turned into a laughingstock by the puerile minds of 4chan. The former doesn’t disparage them directly, but rather pretentiously mocks their beloved mass media. The latter pulls no punches, literally turning them into a caricature.

Soyboy, consoomer, nu-male– geeks are scorned by the residents of the internet’s chaotic underbelly with many derisive names.  But these names are easy attacks, and anyone who seriously uses them is just as bland and unimaginative as their targets. The problem with geeks cannot be summed up with a lazily tossed insult. It’s a massive culture of conformity disguised as non-conformity.

As loathe as I am to admit it, the anarchic far-left of the internet is fairly populated with critical thinkers. They may be unnecessarily vulgar and cruel, but a good portion of them is capable of forming distinct opinions. Even if those opinions wildly vary in quality. Geeks also have Opinions. They absolutely love their Opinions™ and will jump at the chance to share their Opinion™ with you about anything, whether it be about movies or music or video games or politics.

Being an offshoot of the mushy middle, geeks’ Opinions are comprised entirely of sardonic quips, dismissive GIFs, and memetic phrases. They’re the centrists of everything. Politically vocal in the most acceptable, insubstantial way- by comparing adversaries to Voldemort, The Empire from Star Wars, or another fictional villain from what are ostensibly children’s films. A safe, reliable scion of majority consensus masquerading as cultured & witty jokesmiths. In reality, all they deal in are awful puns and obnoxious online expressions such as:

yikes

oof

unpopular opinion:

*checks notes*

They refer to raccoons as trash pandas, Canada geese as cobra chickens, and snakes as nope ropes. They use nouns as verbs, like when they want to science it up because they just can’t adult today. They often make it very clear they’re being sarcastic, and EVEN MORE CLEAR THAT THEY’RE EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING. They’re often condescending in arguments, dropping a “actually sweetie” to delegitimize the other person.

But what is absolutely the worst part of the way they present themselves is that they all talk as if they’re being scripted by Joss Whedon. The post-modern snark that’s wormed its way into every blockbuster after 2012 is omnipresent in their tweets, posts, and other online correspondences. It’s a melodramatic, overly theatrical way of writing that telegraphs their self-importance from miles away.

It’s a little sad, to be honest. The combination of a stagnant world that’s seen very little advancement in roughly 20 years and the ascension of the Disney colossus has churned out a group of people that are not only emotionally and socially stunted, but developmentally stunted as well. We have a good chunk of a generation virtually obsessed with what was once simply a fun genre of movie. Commercializing geekdom has created an unlikable group of people who think they’re different and unique because they don’t like sports; an ineffectual and malleable demographic who went from being uncool to being uncool but with a disposable income.

Gen X geeks sat in internet forums fighting about Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Millennial geeks sat on Twitter fighting about Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi. Their childlike natures, entitled attitudes, and subpar personalities have all survived the jump into the mainstream spotlight. In fact, they fit right in.

Their subculture finally legitimized, geeks ended up being amalgamated into the worst clique of all: average people.

And guess what? They’re still uncool.