Having my sister back in the country and a dog nearly identical to my previous one has caused me to spiral into an extremely bizarre state of mind where I feel like I’m back in 2014. Even though I’m fully aware that I exist in the year 2021, my mind has been rewired to exist on the same emotional plane as I was back then.
Basically, what I’m saying is that I keep thinking that things that have already happened have yet to happen.
I am half-expecting to go through some sort of karmic renaissance, and once I get through these bad times I’m somehow going to reenter the cycle and get another chance at everything.
Here’s the problem though- it’s not 2014. The people I was yet to meet have already come and gone. The events I attended have happened and will not happen ever again. I am physically seven years removed from that period of my life even if mentally I am still in the exact same spot.
I remember once writing about how it felt like I’d hit a GAME OVER screen with nobody to hit restart. My life’s narrative had ended, and I was stuck in some sort of meaningless purgatory. The story was over. So how could life possibly make things worse for me living in this static nightmare? Exactly what it’s doing now.
It now feels like I’ve been placed back in the past so life can retroactively destroy every good thing that once happened. Not satisfied with letting me live out the rest of my days as a withered and forgotten husk, life has transformed into a Pac-Man type creature able to travel through space-time with the sole purpose of gobbling up every positive memory I have. Each time I try and use one to warm myself on a cold winter night, I realize that it eventually led to misery and I’m left with nothing.
Picture my life story as a glowing blue line that grows steadily upward, then zigs, zags, and falters before abruptly stopping in 2018, leaving me trapped within the past. Now the end of the blue line has begun to fray and gradually fade. I’ve only been able to find solace in the past, so naturally life must take that away from me as well. One by one everyone has cut me out of their life, and every memory I have with them becomes tainted with the knowledge that one day they’d discard me as they moved ahead and I stayed in the same place I’ve always been.