3.8: Endless Parse

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Unrequited attraction is a pratfall which I’ve dealt with on quite a few occasions in the Quixotic adventure that is my life. There’s nothing noble or chivalrous about it, but at least the phrase sounds cool and dignified (THOU ART UNREQUITED), in addition to placing the agency on me. It’s my problem, I deal with it.
You might be more familiar with it in its warped modern usage though- the “friend zone.”
Now associated with the simpering, ineffectual userbase of online cesspools where the meek have inherited the terrain, it’s an attempt to shift the blame to the other. Though it happens to both genders, in 95% of these documented cases it’s a weepy clueless man-baby blaming a girl for not returning his affections. There’s a very simple but seemingly forgotten fact that these guys need to remember when this happens: YOU CAN’T FORCE SOMEBODY TO LIKE YOU. If she doesn’t feel it, she doesn’t feel it. That’s it.
All that said, it’s getting trickier and trickier to realize when she does feel something. In an age where only stuffy old aristocrats go on “dates” and “hanging out” is in, I usually need a team of strategic analysts to decode possible flirtation. Because COME ON a girl I have only known for a short while engaging in playful punching and grabbing followed by “Let’s just be friends”?
WAT IS DAT THO.