Premise: More commentary from everyone’s favorite oblivious goof.
Welcome to the Weekly Fiver, where I’ll pick five recently released songs of varying degrees of quality and thoroughly break them down for you. No two songs will be on the same tier, and they’ll be listed from best to worst. The top song will be an excellent must-hear tune, while the bottom song will be one you ought to stay away from or else you will make your ears sad. It’s all very scientific.
Premise: A variety of topics opined on by a totally oblivious and problematic goofball.
The ceremony takes place at a small arena in Bakersfield. Nominated people walk in to nu-metal versions of their respective movie theme songs. For the Irving Thalberg Award match, Steven Spielberg will give a ten minute rant about how George Lucas was like a brother to him before he betrayed him. They will then stand less than a foot apart and have a stare down until Harrison Ford runs into the ring and hits Lucas in the back of the head with a folding chair. Ford and Spielberg will then fake kick Lucas in the ribs until Dame Judi Dench sneaks into the ring, taps them on the shoulders, and punches them both in the face in slow motion while a Rolling Stones song plays. After chasing Spielberg and Ford out of the ring, Dench will present Lucas with the award in the form of a giant gold belt.
After announcing the best picture, Martin Scorsese will dive 10 feet into a table wrapped with barbed wire. Cue pyrotechnics, and the crowd rips off their seat cushions to throw at the stage. Meanwhile Vince McMahon watches it all from a balcony, arms crossed in mock disbelief.
Premise: A very non-committal clown talks about himself.