theory – addendum

though it’s rare, i do sometimes have problems getting to sleep. even with my constant fatigue and exhausting workdays there’s the odd night where for some reason my brain will not turn off.

luckily i’ve amassed a library of tracks just for these rare nights. over the years i’ve found various youtube videos meant for meditation/hypnosis/well-being and scraped the audio to throw on my ipod. a combination of professionals and amateurs, they all follow similar paths and touch on the same holistic imagery.

then there’s burt goldman.

from what i’ve read, the man is a snake oil salesman who happened to include hypnosis seminars as one of his ventures. he goes the extra mile however, and instead of simply ripping off other self-help gurus, he couches his seminars in the most blatant pseudoscience one can imagine.

imagination- that’s a key component of goldman’s seminars, which would be entirely innocuous and listenable without the added baggage of “quantum jumping”. goldman claims that taking his course will allow you to jump through the multiverse and land in one where you’ve had better luck than in your current metaphysical state. to be fair it’s no more malicious than horoscopes or oprah’s favourite book, “the secret”; an escapist fantasy for sad people with sad lives. the concept would make a great movie though- perhaps goldman should look into converting his seminars into a screenplay.

listening to one of his sample seminars as i lay in my bed, i decided to play along with his game for fun and see what his premise was. it starts off as pretty basic hypnosis stuff- he asks the audience to follow him into a bright white light, everything feels soft, etc etc.

he then gets to the fun part, where we’re told we’re entering a hallway that leads down to a door- a quantum door, no less- and behind that door lies the moment your life diverged from the right path and onto the dead end track that leads to oblivion.

huh….you know what, maybe this guy gets me.

so i let my mind decide what it was going to be and “opened” mr. goldman’s quantum door to find that i was sitting in a food court near union station in 2013.

“i have to interview cody simpson next week,” emma said as she looked up at the menu.

“you should call him fake justin bieber when you’re talking to him.”

emma laughed.

“do you actually like that kind of music? like boy band pop?” i asked

“not his. but i do like some of it.”

“yeah you know, one direction have a few decent songs- the production on ‘what makes you beautiful’ is really good”

emma raised her hand for a high five, and as my palm met hers they stayed together a millisecond longer than a normal high five.

i’ve often wondered why the memory of 2013 as a whole has always been so negative when the year was (relatively) uneventful. i’ve tried to assign the blame to bad music or bad movies or the end of a stretch of good times, and while those factors did contribute i think the main culprit was a myriad of missed opportunities that would later come back to bite me. i didn’t realize at the time, but there were many areas of my life that could have been a lot better now if i’d acted on moments back then.

so if i were to have access to a time machine “go back and do it all again”, i wouldn’t go back too far. i’d settle for a trip to 2013 when i’d already established a lot of my foundations, and take it from there. i’d ask emma out right in that food court. i’d have applied to more jobs. i’d have saved up some more money to stay in second city for a longer period. and most importantly, i’d start making videos right away.

but i didn’t do any of that, and no matter how many times i’ve gone in that quantum door i still wake up in 2020. a decrepit husk with an increasingly bleak future, cruelly excised from everyone’s life and left in the bad timeline.

maybe i should have purchased burt goldman’s premium subscription.